An open letter to anyone I've ever wronged, hurt, offended, gossiped about or was un-loving to:
"I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy." Of any movie character, I’d like to say that I’m the “crying girl” from Mean Girls. But truth is we all have a little Regina George in us. I feel for that chick though, I genuinely want everyone to get along all the time. WHAT'S THE BIG F*CKING DEAL? I can be bitter at times in the heat of the moment, but I don't hold grudges. It baffles me how our emotions can bring out the absolute worst in us. LET IT GO. Forgiveness looks good on people, pettiness doesn't. When you gossip, or disrespect, or offend, there’s no limit to the number of people you can hurt. As a mom, it would break my heart to find out that Isaac made someone feel horrible about themselves, or passed along information that was harmful in anyway. These bully-like behaviors, often more obvious in kids and adolescents, sometimes disappear as we mature. Unfortunately no one is "perfect" and even if you think you know someone who is truly GOOD and doesn't possess these qualities as an adult, you will never know unless you can read minds.
I wish I could say I'm in a place where I've completely grown out of ALL of these qualities - but I would be lying and you probably would be too. But NOW I can say that when someone tells me something in confidence, I keep that information to myself (boy, have I come a long way to honestly be able to say that). I own up to the mistakes I make - I think denying and/or excusing something you've done is disrespectful - just apologize and move FORWARD. If you upset someone, validate their feelings by at least acknowledging what you did. I don't hurt people anymore – not emotionally or physically. I'll admit I've had my moments and I'm not proud of them - year after year of family issues and excess partying made me mentally stuck, and when pushed, I would snap. Call me crazy, but I know that this is not an excuse - it’s just an explanation, and that wasn't really "me." All That being said, I AM NOT A BAD PERSON. I am loving, honest, kind, sincere, and many other things. It is SO important that we remind ourselves of the wonderful things that we are OFTEN.
I was never really a bully. Just an asshole. I have never wronged someone intentionally, but for a long time all I cared about was having FUN. I wanted to feel liked, accepted, "cool", and I would do just about anything to protect that image. Holy shit did that backfire. I learned the hard way too. The more trouble I got into, the more I stretched the truth and/or straight up lied and got way in over my head in bullshit - everything was just MESSY. Friendships, relationships - everything. I think there were a solid 8 years where I legitimately thought the only thing I was really good at was having sex. I was trying to fill some void and would get so down on myself, I didn't think anyone cared about me or the choices I made or thought that they would impact anyone. But they did. I practically was never home - like, for weeks at a time I would just go out. My mom thought that deactivating my phone would make me come back, when really I was just like – “sucks for you! Now you don’t know where I am!” Especially now that I am a mother, not knowing where Isaac is would be the worst pain imaginable. I can't imagine how my little brother felt. His dad was absent, mom worked constantly, and older sister was either in a screaming match at home with mom or just GONE. I also can't even begin to fathom being in my mom's shoes. Watching her husband slowly depart from the family they made together - and then watching her daughter selfishly slip down the same path without knowing if she’d ever turn around.
Thanks for all of your prayerful work mom. I needed it.
Clouded judgment is a tricky thing - especially as a kid you’re totally unaware of its dangers. You assume your parents will lock the doors and turn off the stove. But if you’ve ever had too much to drink, you know how easy it is to forget even the simplest tasks. How scary to be in the passenger seat of your dad's moving truck when he passes out. That happened to me. Luckily we were on a one-lane street at night so no one else was really on the road. I jumped in his lap, pulled the car over and waited for him to wake up (thank God for all those abandoned parking lot sessions). I was 12.
Specifically speaking, drugs (mostly touching on alcohol because it's the most common, normalized drug in society) will not benefit you in any way. They are temporary fixes. They cloud your judgment. They alter your mind, thinking, ability and character. I am not saying not to take prescription drugs if you have a need for them - although I can speak from personal experience that my prescriptions made me feel like a zombie. And mixed with whatever else I chose at the time, they chemically CHANGED me. Again, not an excuse - just an explanation for why I might have done the things I did.
It's a small world. I know there are a lot of you out there with crazy stories about me, or maybe you know a person who knows a person who also has some dirt. I'm okay with that, because that's not me anymore. It took A LOT of sleepless nights, sick to my stomach, beating myself up about the horrible decisions I made - even more so the ones that I don't remember making. A lot of self-doubting thoughts: "Why couldn't I be like this person?""Why couldn't I be ‘normal’"? But now, I realize that all of that was part of my path - unlike anyone else's. All the mistakes, embarrassing moments and dumb things happened because it led me here. And I've finally made my peace with it. By no means am I perfect - there's still those lingering thoughts of anger, depression, failure, insecurity, embarrassment, sadness. I just have a better handle on it now, and a new perspective. There’s ALWAYS more to learn. Why is it that it takes so long to get to know YOURSELF?
Two words: CANCER SCAM. Say what? Yeah, apparently that shit doesn't only happen on the Real Housewives.
DAMN. That's awkward. Telling your co-workers, family, children, and what's left of your friends that you're dying from cancer, and then you don't die, or in fact have cancer. How does that even happen? It happens when your thinking is compromised. Okay let me rewind a little. He had a precancerous lump that was removed, boom done. But he didn't tell us that - so when his health deteriorated and physical appearance worsened, we believed him when he said his illness was terminal. In fact, his illness would have been terminal (alcoholism NOT cancer) had he not been dragged to the hospital in the nick of time and put on an IV for withdrawal. This situation was a very depressing battle between right and wrong, honest and dishonest. It was especially disappointing because children were involved and they sort of had zero guidance on how to live life HONESTLY, as in follow through - own up to the things you say and do, DON'T BE A BULLSHITTER. Basically, if you want to benefit by doing the bare minimum, put people down to build yourself up, and have everyone feel bad for you at the same time, this dude is your guy! If you try and skimp out on THE RIGHT WAY TO DO THINGS you will lose. IF YOU DO NOT take control of your thinking, you will lose. Ambition, drive, respect, love, and accountibility are the first things to go - friends and family come next. Do not let the temptations of this material life take you, and let you treat people for less than what they are. My dad lost that battle - resulting in death (which is why this was especially difficult to watch) but I think this guy has it worse. He didn't end up dead, but faking cancer didn't result in sympathy, it DESTROYED his family and left him with literally nothing (no house, no car, no job) - and at that point you don't really get to come back with a say in ANYTHING because TRUST is the foundation for EVERYTHING. Keep yourself in check - no one else can do it for you. I have yet to get a personal apology BTW - no email, text, NADA.
Our judgement controls our actions, behavior, and moral compass. Alcohol was part of the culprit here, but it doesn't get full recognition. What is within you MORALLY paves the way for all the decisions you make in life - big, small, financial, and personal. Some of us come out on top striving to make constant improvement, and others must surrender to the destructive path that is clouded judgement. Every situation has a right/ honest way to handle it, and a f*cked up/ dishonest way to GET AROUND IT TEMPORARILY. Let me tell you, IF you decide to cheat the system; financially and/or morally, you will live in fear, alone, or prison.
Sometimes this mental fog isn't drug related. The cause is different for everyone. It's so easy to be blinded by discouragement, neglect, immaturity, ERROR. We all make mistakes and have done/ said things we're not proud of, but, we are also capable of being good, loving and kind. If you mess up 100 times and get another opportunity, be better than you were before.
There is ALWAYS room for growth and improvement, but ALWAYS try to do all things with love, because we need that now in the world more than ever.