If you've experienced death, I wish you a well recovery. I won't say "I'm sorry for your loss" because that honestly might be the hardest thing to hear after you lose someone. What I will say, is I'm sorry for the pain you will feel/ have felt and all the sleepless nights. I'm sorry that when you do get to sleep, you dream about the person you will never see again. It f*cking sucks.
SLUT. What a nasty word. Who even came up with that? As if we need more of a reason to feel like shit after meaningless sex. My father's alcoholism and lack of parenting affected my decision making and quite honestly my self respect, like, a lot. #daddyissues. I don't think it was until I started watching GIRLS on HBO (which was within the last two years) that I finally felt like someone (Lena Dunham) had "normalized" sleeping around. Okay, maybe it's not normal to sleep around, or is it? I feel like it sounds worse than it is. You're really just hanging out with people and sometimes you happen to sleep with them, well, because if you're an adult you're allowed to do that. However, at fifteen, I probably could have been doing more productive things. It is f*cking hilarious how old you think you are when you're actually still a BABY. Pro tip: YOUR MOTHER IS ALWAYS RIGHT (mine was at least). All the friends they get weird vibes from, the guys they think are "up to no good" and that suggestion to play games with your little brother on a Saturday night instead of ending up roofied on a bathroom floor - ALWAYS RIGHT.
DRINKING AND PARENTING - it won't happen. The two don't mix. Like, if you're an alcoholic and you think you can get away with your kids not knowing you are... you're most likely an idiot. Sorry but kids know everything. They see you everyday and are constantly observing. They are innocent and raw and unconditionally loving and will pick up on (and forgive you for) any behavior - good or bad that might not even be a concept in your mind.
IF YOU WANNA go out and dance with your girls, or have a few drinks with your boys, at least come home to your baby(ies) at a decent hour and TEACH them how to have fun in addition to being DEPENDABLE. I think its cool if you can have a few glasses of wine (or a few beers) and wake up totally in control the next day. However, IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT or need to go to a club until 4 am with people coked out of their minds to have a good time, you are not setting a good example. Mentally this means you believe that BALANCE is being "good" most of the time so you can have a "free" night. No. Balance is finding a healthy medium between wants, needs, socializing, home life, work, family, etc. No extremes.
I DRANK A LOT for a long time. Down for whatever... except choosing "whatever" sucks and it got me no where. Be accountable, be worthy, have productive plans, and LOVE YOURSELF enough to do what's best for your mental, physical and emotional being ALL THE TIME. It's HARD work - not always the easy or obvious choice.
Tequila shots? Sure! Threesome? Yas! Sleep with a girl from the bar because she likes your tattoos, is fun, and hey that's new, why not?!
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP FOR HANDLING YOUR SHIT IN DIFFERENT WAYS THAN OTHERS.
THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP. Haha no. One night in between summer camp and boarding school (literally seven days to unpack and repack) I found my dads stash of empty gin bottles behind the downstairs living room couch. I remember telling my close friend on the phone my dad was an alcoholic, and then her mom called my mom and it was a whole thing. That might have been the night it slapped my mom in the face. She was in denial for a long time - trying to keep shit together so our family didn't unravel any more than it already had. She had just lost her home where she raised her babies and we were living in my grandfather's basement because my father decided to tear down OUR house and rebuild it into a massive rich persons paradise. Theatre room, ballroom, exercise room (equipped with a giant glass window viewing area), heated driveway, wine cellar, three car garage, a third floor suite (with a pinewood closet because everyone needs one of those), intercom system, etc... He showed up at the house at odd hours and was usually passed out in the drivers seat of his truck. SOMETIMES he would let me have a few Mike's Hard: Lemonade's before getting picked up to go out (he always had at least one six pack in the back seat). Sorry ma.
RIGHT AFTER my mom and he had somewhat seriously separated I was convinced I could FIX him. So I went to go live at the Wellesley house while my mom and brother stayed at my papa's. Rich (my dad) and I shared a couch (being the only furniture in the house) for three weeks in front of the massive flat screen mounted on the wall across from the giant open floor plan kitchen. I had friends over all the time and it was SO FUN. We drank and played games like sardines. Of course he would use the intercom to communicate (and because of his health could barely climb the stairs anyways), so it was basically an unsupervised free-for-all. So this one time we ordered a huge delivery from a local pizza shop. The doorbell rang and all nine(ish) of my friends and I sat at the balcony of the massive staircase and watched Rich stumble to the front door. He was so drunk he cut himself preparing the food and started bleeding and crying a lot. I walked with him into the downstairs master bedroom bathroom where he broke down and started to bitch about my mom. I called her sobbing and asked what she was going to do about it. Her response was "you wanted to live with him, figure it out." I held him and we cried together on the floor next to the tub of his empty gin bottles for a long time and I told him everything was going to be fine even though it wasn't. One by one my friends left and no one really brought that night up after... EXCEPT FOR ME. I was pissed at my mom for leaving me hanging.
I understand now, her trying to keep the little sanity she had left by staying at home with her youngest child (my brother - innocently sleeping) rather than running out and exerting her energy towards mending something that would never be whole again.
I realize I've written my dad out to look like a total dick but we were really close and just "got" each other, this is just all the other stuff.
Sometimes I wish I could hold my finger on the delete button, but every experience is a learning experience - good, bad, ugly, painful. Also, I've reached a point in my life where I can give really good advice on what NOT TO DO and how to handle really uncomfortable situations. Some of us take the road less traveled, or in my case never seen, and although I did a lot of dumb things I've been able guide some of my friends in the right direction based off my expertise of how to f*ck things up. We ALWAYS have more to learn, and room to accept change.
While attending three different high schools in a four year period, I GOT AROUND. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I was a slut. There were rumors and I cried a lot. Different school same behavior. And then I made the same mistakes over and over again. I am very social - love my alone time but I like having plans. On any given weekend I was most likely to be found too f*cked up at a party, smoking weed somewhere, wearing something provocative I DIDN'T leave the house in, wanting to be wanted. I'm sure that "insane" party I HAD TO GO TO that got me kicked out of boarding school was really worth it. It wasn't actually and I don't even remember it. However, had I stayed at that school I wouldn't have met the people I did - some of them making a huge impact on my life and becoming life long friends. We often benefit from from struggling, it just won't seem that way for a while.
OH WHAT A MAGICAL first time. SEX. I couldn't tell you about it actually. I was hanging out with this guy (his parents were out of town), we made drinks, started to watch a movie (I think) and then I woke up naked from the waist down and he was like "yup we just had sex" and I was like "okay word". I was 14? My first of MANY blackouts. I didn't care for a long time, until I started talking about sex with friends and wondering why I didn't have more respect for myself to not be "easy". In my defense, I wanted to feel needed and appreciated. When someone tells you you're good at something that makes you want to do it more, right? I would think "at least I'm doing something right." It's not like I was upset about it - I was only trying to fill a void, but doing it in all the wrong ways. Not everyone goes through this kind of experimenting when they have an absent minded parent - my brother for example is "normal", a good student, good son, doesn't push the limits or break the law etc... and he lost his dad just as much as I did. But we are all wired differently and learn in different ways.
I wouldn't say I gave into "peer pressure", I just did what everyone else was doing because I didn't want to be sober. I also made SURE to take an 80mg adderall when possible, stay hydrated on coffee and smoke at least half a pack of Marlboro 27s each day. No wonder I sucked at making good choices. Fast forward to freshman year of college when I was able get coke and mollie regularly - I did it religiously every weekend (sometimes by myself) paired with a Fourloko. WTF. To be fair, three short months into my college career my dad died unexpectedly-ish. Bottoms up! GREIF IS HARD.
Whether you've had issues with drugs, an eating disorder, school, relationships, family... you probably judge yourself based off failure rather than pin pointing what you ARE capable of and how/ what you can do better the next time. Regret is a sickening feeling - keyword: sick. ERROR aka sin will often make you feel that way. Grief, anger, deceit, ego, greed - all things we beat ourselves up about, and mainly the root cause of unattractive behavior - end up hurting yourself more than anyone else. The only way to OVERCOME emotional chaos is to be good, do good, and see good.
OUR WORLD NEEDS MORE OF IT.
P.S. Parents: be the best you can be all the time and set the most insanely loving, nurturing, honorable example you can.